Crafting to forget about your own death.. Written by: Molly Tallon, author and creator at Room For Cream

So now that you have a steady job, a long term partner and maybe a furry or human baby or two… you can stop wringing your hands over the whole “will I die alone in a basement entry studio apartment clutching a liter of  Yellowtail Chardonnay?” question and just start thinking… 

Oh my God. I am literally going to die one day.  And it will probably be from a terrorist attack, or a nuclear bomb, or some freak global warming enhanced weather event. 

 

Is it today? Tomorrow? Is that ringing in your ears  a sleeping brain tumor waiting to take you down suddenly in a Target parking lot? It’s not the brain tumor that scares you as much as shitting yourself to death in front of strangers. 

Everytime your doctor’s office calls, the panic sets in… (Like The Nothing from Neverending Story has finally arrived  and you can’t remember that baby bitch’s name?!?!?!!)

Is today the day I find out I have cancer? What would I do? Finally get on that plane to Thailand? Leave a series of notes to my mom that she could option for a screenplay? Kill myself right away? Go to Sweden where they will inject the tears of unborn fetus’ into my brain stem? Those Swedes are fancy and creative. 

… But then you find out it’s just an ulcer or adult onset allergy to Legumes. Dodged a bullet. 

This is where a nice clean crafting hobby comes in. The drugs are no longer sustainable for a working adult… alcohol no longer helps you forget about your problems… and you’re too responsible for that one way ticket to Thailand where you can literally live on the beach giving blow-jobs to hot Australian surfers for fried rice and beer money.

So, we need to fill your head with a practical, economical, results-based hobby that allows you both personal fulfillment and Instagram content. Also, something that is easily learned by watching youtube videos. Because, we’re not 55 yet. We don’t “go to a pottery class on Wednesday nights” like the wife of a murder suspect.

  

You used to have unofficial hobbies like

• Smoking weed at work. 
• Dating.  
• Selling clothes for drinking money.
• trying to make rent
• complaining about your roommates
• College
• Shopping for things in person at stores
• Driving across town to the cheapest gas station
• Watching movies during the day

Since the hobbies of your twenties slowly dropped off the radar with the advent of an adult romantic relationship and you stopped strategically letting your bank account overdraft every month, you’ve picked up fun new ways to pass the time…

 

• Cooking things you found the recipe for on a blog.
• Having kids
• Cleaning
• Thinking about cleaning while scrolling IG and pooping
• Looking at reviews on Amazon
• Going to people’s weddings
• Using proper grammar
• Reading the ingredients list very closely before buying
• Calling your internet provider
• Googling physical symptoms
• Thinking about North Korea

You could be doing all those things… or you could take up some irrelevant decorative hobby that costs you money and silences that voice in your head that is reminding you that greater Los Angeles county has a 4 day food supply if the lights go out, and you will be left alone to fend off bands of looters and finally resort to eating that super fancy organic avocado oil face serum. The question is… which one of your pets would you eat first?

Here are the top five instagramable hobbies that will get you the most likes and compliments:

1 – Macrame wall hangings  – think “hipster forest wedding between two pines”  (Not your smelly Aunt Miriam’s plant holders)

2 – Air plant boxes (Look at me! I recycle a pallet! I’m basically resurrecting murdered whales!)

3 – Edible gardening (probably the most expensive but definitely worth it if all you ever want to eat is mediocre tomatoes and kale)

4 – Canning jams, pickles and sauces (could be categorized under edible gardening) IG caption: “Finally canning all my lovely ripe tomatoes today! Worth the wait!  Will be so great for sauces and stews this winter!”

5 – Photo collaging (It’s just scrapbooking but we Millenials refuse to call it this for some reason)

6 – Being Gluten Free (Bread is the new Cigarettes) 

So, now you’ve chosen your hobby, been inspired by your friend’s sister’s roommate Candace who lives in a lighthouse of the coast of Nova Scotia and felts her own wool (she’s writing a novel about it obviously). You’ve ordered the appropriate gear from Amazon (plus more trash bags and a flea collar) and made one trip to Michael’s after work  and you are ready to go.

Now, keep it in the Michaels bag/Amazon box in the corner of your bedroom for at least three months (no need to rush into things). Then, one night, finish the dishes with a bit of a wine buzz, watch one youtube refresher while pooping and pull out that box of crap and just start measuring that American-made cotton cord for a six foot  piece of driftwood hanging art you’ve prematurely named Rhiannon.  

Once you are halfway through, and your partner asks if you are coming to bed yet, snap a quick progress photo that you can post the next day. “ Starting a wall hanging for our living room! I found this driftwood last week at the beach and it just screamed at me!” 

People love that shit, plus, when you DO die of liver failure from drinking moonshine to cope with raising two kids in an nuclear winter, you can insist they hang that macrame plant holder in their bombed out ‘91 Chevy Suburban as they live on BPA soaked canned peaches and radon enhanced alley cats.