Hey Millenials, it’s me 30! LOL!

Written by: Molly Tallon, author and creator at Room For Cream

You are tucked in your favorite corner of the couch. Your feet perfectly nestled in the blankets… but you can’t find your wine… it’s not on the table… next to you on the floor? behind you on the  window sill? Please… don’t let it be still in the kitchen… you just got perfectly tucked in. The accent pillows have melded for ideal lower back support in your favorite corner of the couch.

The couch you carefully researched over the course of weeks – nay – months! Looking at reviews, going over materials – pricing – financing. You visited two malls, an Ikea, a very expensive mid-mod refurbishing boutique; scoured craigslist everyday and finally, scored an amazing sectional at a floor sale at CB2. And when anyone comments your couch – in any way – you will relay this fascinating tale of both in-person and online shopping to their politely affirming faces.

And you will finish with “…AND the upholstery is recycled cotton…”

Conscious consumerism is a virtue.

Where  the fuck did you put your wine glass?

Your rescued terrier mix is draped on his favorite part of the couch too, audibly snoring.

Is this kind of snoring normal? Google dog snoring.

It’s 8:30p, on a Friday and your partner is sifting through Netflix… the soft ‘bloop-bloop-bloop’ is positively titillating.  Will you put up a fight to finish the last two episodes of that BBC crime drama? Or will you give in to another Norse King documentary or a Keanu ‘they-killed-my-wife’ action-comedy? Probably just not put up a fight because your thinking you want to have sex later…. see how far we get into this bottle of wine though.

The spicy tuna Poke bowl leaves a satisfactory lump of accomplishment. You haven’t eaten gluten in three days and you feel very smug about it, also not even a little bit bloated. AND, you made it all the way to two pilates classes this week, so you might as well be Gillian Michaels.

Hurray for you. You, are in your thirties.

Remember AIM? Remember Clarrissa? The live broadcasting of the OJ trial? Tape decks? Listening to the actual radio. The free one – not the app. The FUCKING radio.

You earned that bottle of pinot. And that $8 bar of sea-salt dark chocolate. Because red-wine and dark chocolate are actually really good for you.. right? They have flavanoids…? Raevenoids…? What was it? Something that is great for your brain or heart. Something super good for you anyways. You read about 2 paragraphs of an article your mom’s friend Jill posted with the comment “If this is true then I’m going to live forever! (laughing face)”

(No your not Jill, you will die alone with purple teeth in that little condo you bought with your divorce money surrounded by a fleet of tea cup Bijons)

You sift through your emails…. a few Amazon order confirmations, a reminder for Chelsea’s baby shower on Sunday (Don’t forget to wrap that gift that is still in the Amazon box next to the front door) and a series of ‘reply all’s about Amanda’s Bachelorette…

…Amy is vegan and doesn’t want any meat in the house, Sarah is still breastfeeding so she doesn’t want to take the limo on the wine-tasting-tour in case she has to leave and go back to the Airbnb to pump; better yet, Karly (yes with a K) just got laid off  from the dog-walking-app company so she  is opting out of the planned activities  and wants to make sure that everyone has Venmo so she can get paid immediately after buying the groceries… who wants to share a room with Karly?!??!? Sounds like a great time ladies…ugh, lets check our Alaska miles and look at plane tickets…

A reminder text comes in about getting drinks tonight for Emily’s birthday. Her and Greg just got engaged and you haven’t seen them yet. The chosen bar is a great fancy cocktail joint  about fifteen minutes away, in a very cool part of town. They have really amazing bar snacks there. Candied bacon and these thai-spiced cashews that seriously could sustain you for a year. But you are looking at a minimum $50 night out here and the parking will be a nightmare. Lyft will be peak hour rates… (yes you use Lyft because there was that thing about the Uber guy who like fondled some chick in his office.. or raped her? Or maybe he like had a child bride or something…? No wait… it was something with Uber company policy about sexual harassment…. either way, Uber = Bad).

Ugh, how are you going to get out of this? Emily is your best old-work-friend (you guys both waitressed at that brewery) and she is finally engaged to Greg, that grad-school friend of her brother’s that used to dine-and-ditch …. hopefully not anymore though.

Just don’t respond? No… That kind of shit flies in your twenties but now… now you have to have a polite and faultless excuse… Airtight…preferably family/health related. Hmmmm….. oh man those cashews though… love those cashews… but you’d have to change clothes and get off the couch… nah. Not worth it. You won’t even know anyone else there. She has all those nursing school friends now….

People with kids have it easy man, they can just be like “Sorry, rain check, little Penelope/Jackson has a fever!”

Remember what Nancy Reagan said, “Just say NO!…thank you. No, thank you.” There is no way Nancy Fucking Reagan ever said “No.” without saying “thank you” at the end.

Ronald Reagan: Hey, Nancy, baby, you want to try that butt plug I got from that saddle-maker in Santa Fe?

Nancy Reagan: No…. thank you.

Here goes the let-down text…

Hey gurl, I am so sorry to miss this but… I have to take my mom to a colonoscopy at 7 AM tomorrow!! UGH! lets do happy hour next week?? Congrats to you and Greg! Send me a ring pic! Happy Birthday too! Drink some Champs for me! XX

…Kinda true. You did have to take her to that colonoscopy last week… better not post anything on IG about brunch with your sister and her kids tomorrow though… don’t want to get caught.

Your partner nudges you with his feet, “Hey, there is a new season of Planet Earth!”

“Alright…Where did you put that weed pen…?”

“Stashed it in my bathroom drawer when I unpacked from Sassquatch… that was the last time I saw it. “

Lets get that weed pen, find that glass of wine, grab that bag of “lightly sea-salted popcorn” and get this Friday night going…

Welcome to your thirties. Take a seat, compare health insurance plans and talk about home prices/loan rates. Maybe we will even have time to compare Netflix obsessions and podcast feeds, if our kids don’t interrupt..